Some points in life I don't live out as if Im all His. In fact, most of the time I don't. My heart, my thoughts, my emotions, my feelings..there's just so much that I still need to surrender. Sometimes it feels safer to live life as if I belong to myself. Yet so pointless. Both at the same time.
But I guess this is the season where i hope and pray to keep building the foundation again and again of I am all His and He is mine; He is my all in all; that I can surrender and go to my Father just as I am.
Confused as I am,
Clueless as I am,
An imperfect daughter as I am,
Who do I go but to my Saviour, Jesus.
Deal with my heart Lord. Entirely. Leave no space unruled by You.
Surrendering was never easy to me.
Surrender in saying 'Im sorry'.
Surrender in admitting my mistakes.
Surrender in acknowledging my shortcomings.
Its in human nature to want to control things. We just come up with any form of steps to be in control of our past, present and future - we tend to take control of our past by shuffling it down below our beds, sleeping every night hoping to not be reminded of those memories; we work our way up to live the life we want; we want to know our future so much that sometimes we'll look to things like horoscopes just to have a glimpse of the uncertainties.
Poverty mindset. Middle class mindset. Wealthy mindset.
Food.. Poverty mindset derives value in the “quantity” of food. Middle class mindset wants “quality” food. Wealthy mindset want food with a beautiful presentation.
When looking for a church.. Poverty mindset looks for any church to attend. Middle class mindset looks for the “best” church which meets one’s needs. Wealthy mindset looks for God’s presence in the church and the “best” is not the issue.
When Jesus died on the cross.. Poverty spirit says we are worthless before God. Middle class mindset works to become worthy. Wealthy mindset says, “we are valuable to God.”
When looking at God.. Poverty spirit says, “sinner.” Middle class spirit says, “servant.” Wealthy spirit says, “son.”
When dealing with pain.. Poverty spirit wants to escape in silence or explode in anger Middle class spirit works to get out of pain Wealthy spirit stays the course.
When dealing with material goods... Poverty spirit hoards Middle class spirit lives to shop Wealthy spirit lives to give.
When understanding time.. Poverty spirit lives in the past, and survives one day at a time. Middle class spirit lives in the present. Wealthy spirit lives for eternity, make history and blesses the next generation.
When praying.. Poverty spirit prays to survive Middle class spirit prays to succeed Wealthy spirit prays to bless.
When having a worldview.. Poverty spirit thinks their local world is the center of the world Middle class spirit thinks nationally Wealthy mindset thinks internationally
When believing in the supernatural acts of God.. Poverty spirit says, “Not” Middle class spirit says, “Might” Wealthy spirit says, “Why not!”
A Framework for Understanding Poverty by Ruby K. Payne
Got this from an article and this hits me HARD.... Hope to have a further read and understanding of this. Thinking to get myself the book Culture of Honor by Danny Silk... and of course better time management to actually read it and my other endless reading list O.O
Time...Better time management....Hmm..Wealthy spirit lives for eternity. Sigh. Man, guess I need to travel light in order to go up. Cutting down good and pleasant things in life I shall try.
Help me Lord. Ahhh! Help me Lord very very the much.
It's official. Coffee has no power in my life anymore. Freedom reigns!.......... Assignments reign even more!
Assignment - 1
Coffee - 0
Thoughts just came into my mind when i wanted to put that up as my facebook status. Honestly, i still wish coffee to have power and its effect on me. So I can stay awake to do my assignments, even at the expense of an unhealthy body. Then i realized.. shouldnt I be glad? Hey! Im free from coffee! It dawned on me that when fredom is given, sometimes we just dont want it. We want to stay put with our miseries in life. We prefer methods that brings assurance in doing life, even it means at the expense of being cage up with our misery ways. As for my case, coffee. Cause the outcome of consuming coffee serves my need, but really...it can only last for 1 night. And then my body would yearn for rest.
Same thing goes to the soul, sometimes we hold onto captives in our lives, cause we are just so used to having them. It's not that Fredom has not been granted, but we choose to continue to live in these bondages, fulfilling our desires of being in control, even it means just for a while. Who would blame insecure human beings like us? We want certainties in life, even it means living in captives. But then our soul would yearn for true Joy and Love that comes from Freedom..
With greater freedom, comes more uncertainties and greater surrendering of the heart.
With Freedom given through and in Jesus, comes uncontainable joy and greater trust in Him, even at times logic kicks in and shouts : I DONT WANT THIS FREEDOM. I WANNA GO BACK TO WHAT'S CERTAIN IN LIFE. Cause this Freedom is so uncertain...yet so liberating, both at the same time.
Logic keeps me from experiencing Freedom and a greater trust in Him.
Truth is, we are loved by an illogic God, who loves us so illogically that He gave his one and only Son, so that we can embrace this illogic Freedom that the world could not offer....
Been listening to this over and over again. Wasn't the first time listening to this, but when God says He can show up in anything and everything, you can bet on that. :)
Just done watching a video sermon by Pastor Judah Smith - "Just Tell Me What To Do".
The title of the sermon itself just got me wanting to watch it already! Cause I caught myself saying that quite often. Sermons, lectures and even conversations with people sometimes, I tend to urge myself or people to just tell me what they want to do. Just tell me what they really are thinking and just speak their mind out. Applies to ministry as well, just tell me what to do and I'll just make it happen. It speeds things up. I'll be like HELLO! If it's not obvious enough, there's tons of things to do in the Kingdom of God? Make up your mind and just tell me what to do? Guess that's one of the reasons why I'm so intrigued, absorbed, captivated, attracted, enthralled, interested, fascinated, engrossed by smartphones, my phone in particular. It's reaching people faster and it get things done effectively.
Anyway, back to my point of the sermon. Talks about how humankind would tend to want practicality. We want progress. And we want it fast. Get this thing done then get another thing done next. Who don't? Well, at least for me it is.
People buy books like10 Steps in Maintaining Friendships
People love 3 points sermons.
Students love 4 steps in completing their assignments.
And then Jesus came and frustrates the trend of humankind.
No steps in how to build a stronger relationship with Him.
No steps in how to build a strong local church.
No steps in how to love people more.
No steps in how to do His will.
He just say, I am the Bread of Life. Just trust me.
And that frustrates people like me.
A lot of times in my life, especially in ministry, I'll tend to pray prayers asking God just tell me what He wants me to do. Lord, here I am, SAY SOMETHING!
This sermon reminded me that sometimes it's not about knowing His will, but to know Him.
To be reminded of how a relationship can bring joy and excitement. Remember how you and your partner brings a lot of desire in wanting to make that person happy? Or that simple enjoyment of being around them. What more the relationship with God.
A lot of times Pastor Judah didn't just inspire me with his sermons, but his person, and his passion for God and His people impacted me. During that video sermon, he mentioned about a conversation he had with his wife, Chelsea. The conversation was about them reflecting how much God has done in their lives. Then Chelsea asked Judah what would he want to do for the next 10 years from now. Pastor Judah's answer to his wife humbles me. I was thinking He would say something like: I'm gonna love the church more. I'm gonna extend His kindgom more. I'mgonna reach more people that don't know about Christ. I'm gonna save more souls. I thought he would really say that, because it really did sound good and right. All of that sound so good and right as a pastor or a follower of Christ.
But his answer was just: I just want to know Him more. 10 years from now, at the age of 45, I want to be closer to Him. I want to more like Him. I want love more like how He loves.
It brought me back to that place again where God is my Father. Not only He is my Provider, Promiser, Healer. But he is MY Father.
Jesus.
Your Love is a mystery and I am not rushing to understand it fully.
As if I could ever comprehend it wholly.
Was viewing back some of the old photos on Facebook. Things changed, a lot. People changed, a lot.
Saw some photos and the people were THERE back then, are not HERE right now together running the same race. Then viewed some photos where I hope the things NOW to be back like THERE back then. Regrets? Hmm not really. Just that things seem so sure and certain back then, couldn't even fathom that things and people can change that much. Honestly, living in the past felt way more comfortable sometimes.
Man, shiz happens.
Looking at the bright side, the NOW is more than amazing. New things. Great things. Wonderful people.
Things that seemed unachievable THERE back then.
I guess we can only cherish each moment, live in the NOW and make the best out of every not-so-pretty situation. You know, before life changes again for the better or the less-better-for-a-few-moments.
Life is really an adventure. #YOLO!
God, thank You for your unchanging grace and constant love. Your grace has found me in every season. You are good. :)
I miss driving. Especially at night. In the streets of where i call home.
Funny how before this i dread driving at times, but i actually would wanna drive around kk alone now.
Listening to Hillsong Glorious Ruins right now aint helping much cause it just reminds me that sense of freedom? (Not sure if that's the right word) when i drive back at kk.
That freedom where all i need to worry is i need to rush home to collect my clothes before it rains.
That freedom where the thing that annoys me the most would be finding a parking.
That freedom where i feel bored when there's nothing exciting on tv.
I miss my car.
Great, now im car-sick. LOL
Get me out of these endless assignments/tests/works!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
God, help me to make the best out of all this.
Help me to see You in this and through this.
Since this week's tuition free week. I have a lot of time, yet I am so not into doing anything at all.
AT
ALL
Besides the need in completing assignments and catching up my study momentum, I find myself lost the interest in taking time out and just THINK. To really just detach myself from my phone (which.. is almost impossible), people, the world and THINK.
Had quite a number of thoughts ever since I'm back in Miri for the new semester. Wanted to develop more of the thoughts but it's either I need to finish the next urgent thing, or things just come my way and my attention just shifted to them. Or, when I really got the time to myself, I would be either too tired to develop those thoughts or I don't know how to develop them. Guess I need some new inspirations! Dear finite mind, why you so finite? LOL.
Whatever it is, I need to take a time out and THINK.
